Laying in
the field that my Father has blessed me with.
The heat
from the sun radiating on my skin.
Not a
cloud in the sky.
The field
is full of life.
Color.
Beauty.
Everything
is at peace.
Everything
is perfect.
Contentment
fills my spirit.
But
then....
Something
changes.
The aroma
of the flowers disappears.
Smoke
fills the air.
I look up
in confusion.
I see a
man walking through the field.
Fire
coming from his hands.
I stand up and begin to yell at him.
“No!
Stop!! What are you doing?”
Trust
me.
“No!
You don't understand! My Father blessed me with this beautiful land and now
you are turning it into ash! Please! I beg of you! Stop!”
Trust
me.
“Father! Please hear the cry of your daughter! Please bring rain! Stop this
man!”
Silence.
Everything
continues to burn.
In
desperation, I fall to the ground.
Tears
streaming from my face as I watch what was once beauty turn to ash.
Hopeless.
I
continue to pray for rain.
Nothing
comes.
I look up and see only ash.
All
I can do is scream and cry.
My
face buried in my hands.
Filled
with rage, I stand up and begin to run towards the man.
Crying
out in desperation.
“Who
are you?! What have you done?!”
He
stops.
Looks
into my eyes.
Trust
me.
Bending
down, he begins to wipe his hands on the ashes.
The
ground begins to shake.
An oak more beautiful and magnificent than anything I had ever seen
rises from the ash and begins to fill the land.
In
shock, I fall to the ground.
The
man leans down.
Smiling
at me, he says:
My
daughter. I had to burn everything so true life could rise up. I had to take away what you thought was beautiful so I could show you what true beauty looks like. You see, I want you to not only be able to look at my glory but I want you
to experience it. Now go. Climb. Be joyful, my love. For this is the blessing that you deserve.
Either God is real or I am crazy. I'm not talking about the funny kind of crazy that my friends claim that I am. Not like the "Oh you're so crazy that I could see you shaving your head or running through a field screaming" kind of crazy. I'm talking about the kind of crazy that gets people locked up for the rest of their life. The kind of crazy that gets you put into a straight jacket. So, either God is real or I need therapy. And ALOT of it. Because I claim to HEAR God. Yes, you read right. I HEAR God. He doesn't just speak to me through the scriptures. No. He actually SPEAKS to me. I have actually HEARD an audible voice answer my prayers. And then SEEN Him follow through with what He said. I have actually HEARD God say "Hey remember to trust me even when you don't understand what I'm doing." And then something will happen in my life shortly after that doesn't make sense and the only thing I can do is trust in Him. So, either God is real or all these things I hear are just voices in my head... which would make me crazy. Like legit CRAZY! And what about the visions? How do I explain when I was at a house church and looked at a girl who I had never met and SAW little children all around her? And what about the fact when I told her, she said others this past semester had seen the same thing? What about the vision I had of me standing up in a dark room and light literally bursting from my heart? So, either God is real or these visions I am having are just hallucinations.... which would make me crazy. Like legit CRAZY! And then there are those times when I actually FEEL God. Like that time that I was sitting all alone in my car and I felt Him wrap His arms around me. Or the time that I was walking and FELT Him walking beside me. And those times that I am sitting all alone but I don't FEEL alone. So, either God is real or what I am feeling is an imaginary person.... which would make me crazy. Like legit CRAZY! Then there is the fact that I have chosen to give up my entire life for Him. I am leaving my family, my friends, the comfort of a bed and anything familiar to walk into the unfamiliar, to live out of a pack with a bunch of strangers just for the sake of my God. I am going to choose to spend 11 months traveling the world to proclaim HIS name. So, either God is real or I am giving up everything for nothing... which would make me CRAZY! Oh and then what about the times that I have prayed and they were answered...instantly? Like the time in Africa that my team prayed for rain and it rained for 2 days straight. By the way, they hadn't seen rain in 6 months. Or the time that I was sitting on a camel and prayed for wind... And wind started blowing like crazy! Or the time that I was extremely broken and then in the next minute I was made new and felt more joyous than I ever had in life. Either God is real or I am just CRAZY! Either God is real or I am just a "voice-hearing-hallucination-having-imaginary-friend-making-giving-everything-for-nothing-joy-filled-even-when-things-suck" nut job who should be locked up. But.... I choose God. I choose to believe He is real. I choose to believe He is alive. I choose to believe He speaks to me. I choose to believe He walks next to me. I choose to give Him my life. I choose to believe He gave me freedom and joy. I choose to believe He gives me visions. I choose to believe in His scriptures. I choose to believe He brings hope to the hopeless. And redemption to the broken. I choose to believe. Because if I don't? Then well..... I am crazy.
When I feel lost and confused, I will hold onto my faith. For I trust you! When I feel alone with an empty heart, I will run to Your arms. For I trust you! When the darkness surrounds me and then enemy tries to overtake me, I will hide in your dwelling place. For I trust you! I will HATE what is evil And CLING to what is good. Because You, my God, are good!! I will honor others as You have said. Because they are called Your children! I will be zealous for your name. Because your name is the fire that ignites my spirit! I will be joyful in hope. Because you offer hope that will not disappoint! I will be patient in my affliction. Because you promise to bring victory! I will be faithful in my prayers. Because you are faithful to answer! I will share with those in need. Because what I have has been freely given to me! I will bless those who persecute me. Because they are broken just as I! I will rejoice with those who rejoice. And I will mourn with those who mourn. Because you have called us to live in harmony! I will not repay evil for evil. But I will leave room for your wrath! And I will not be overcome by evil. But I will overcome evil with good! I will become lowly. So that others may see your power! I will become weak. So that others may see your strength! I will become foolish. So that others may see your wisdom! I will show that I am not. So that you can say "But I AM." For you are my Lord, my God! And I will offer myself as a living sacrifice. This, my love, is my spiritual act of worship.
I read this yesterday and God really struck my heart with some things after reading it. I was going to write a blog about it but really just wanted to share the passage first because the entire thing is pretty amazing. More on this to come!
Acts 2
The Holy Spirit Comes at Pentecost
When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.
Now there were staying in Jerusalem God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven. When they heard this sound, a crowd came together in bewilderment, because each one heard their own language being spoken. Utterly amazed, they asked: “Aren't all these who are speaking Galileans? Then how is it that each of us hears them in our native language? Parthians, Medes and Elamites; residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia,Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya near Cyrene; visitors from Rome (both Jews and converts to Judaism); Cretans and Arabs "we hear them declaring the wonders of God in our own tongues!” Amazed and perplexed, they asked one another, “What does this mean?”
Some, however, made fun of them and said, “They have had too much wine.”
Peter Addresses the Crowd
Then Peter stood up with the Eleven, raised his voice and addressed the crowd: “Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, let me explain this to you; listen carefully to what I say. These people are not drunk, as you suppose. It's only nine in the morning! No, this is what was spoken by the prophet Joel:
“‘In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams. Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy. I will show wonders in the heavens above and signs on the earth below, blood and fire and billows of smoke. The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord. And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'
“Fellow Israelites, listen to this: Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you by miracles, wonders and signs, which God did among you through him, as you yourselves know. This man was handed over to you by God's deliberate plan and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men,put him to death by nailing him to the cross. But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him. David said about him:
“‘I saw the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, you will not let your holy one see decay. You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.'
“Fellow Israelites, I can tell you confidently that the patriarch David died and was buried, and his tomb is here to this day. But he was a prophet and knew that God had promised him on oath that he would place one of his descendants on his throne. Seeing what was to come, he spoke of the resurrection of the Messiah, that he was not abandoned to the realm of the dead, nor did his body see decay. God has raised this Jesus to life, and we are all witnesses of it. Exalted to the right hand of God, he has received from the Father the promised Holy Spirit and has poured out what you now see and hear. For David did not ascend to heaven, and yet he said,
“‘The Lord said to my Lord: “Sit at my right hand until I make your enemies a footstool for your feet.”'
“Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Messiah.”
When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?”
Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off "for all whom the Lord our God will call.”
With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, “Save yourselves from this corrupt generation.” Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day.
The Fellowship of the Believers
They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
These past few weeks, my heart has been
in a place of brokenness and discontentment. I have constantly been
feeling attacked by satan and I'm not going to lie, he got in a few
good punches. Instead of being filled with joy and consumed by God's
love, I felt like I was in constant battle filled with fear and
doubt. Just to feel His presence and get into His word was a
struggle. I have been constantly questioning every choice I have made
up to this point....even the choice to go on the World Race. I have
felt alone and completely empty. I lost a community of squad mates
when I switched and it was all my heart could focus on. I then began
to think about all of the mistakes I had made and all of the
relationships that are now lost because of them. Instead of focusing
on the relationships that God has blessed me with, my entire being
was focused on the ones that I didn't have. I lost sight of what He
has already done in my life. I began to slip back into the woman that
I used to be before He called my name. Insecurity began to creep back
into my mind.I'll never be good enough. I'll never be used. I'll
always feel alone. I'll always be alone. I'll always struggle with my
sinful desires. I'll never be completely whole. I'll never find
complete joy. My heart will never feel satisfied.
My heart was consumed. I couldn't take it anymore. So, I got down on
my knees in desperation and began to cry to my Father.
What the heck is going on?! Just a
few days ago, you spoke to me in my car! I was consumed by Your love
and you captivated me by your heart and now here I am feeling worse
off than I did before! Why do I feel this way?! Why am I so easily
distracted from You? What is going on in my heart?
Do you remember that conversation I
had with you in Africa before you chose into freedom? Do you remember
that place of brokenness you were in and how I began to restore your
heart through it? You see, these past few months since being back
from Africa, you have been guarding your heart but not in the way
that I want you to. You have put a shield around it trying to avoid
feeling any emotion for the things around you. You have been so
scared of getting hurt again and instead of being vulnerable and
allowing me to guard your heart, you created a shell around it. You
lost compassion. You lost your care for the world around you and in
that you lost your passion for your calling. I had to intervene. I
had to interrupt your funeral. I knew that if you continued down that
path, eventually it would kill your spirit. So, I decided to break
that shell. I captivated your heart and by doing that your heart
became soft and vulnerable. All of these emotions that you are
feeling have been bottled up and I needed to expose them. I needed to
purify your heart of all the lies that have infected it so that I
could then fill it with the truth that you have so easily forgotten.
You ARE loved. You ARE set free. You ARE enough for me. All you can
focus on is the mistakes that you have made but what I see is the
woman that you have become through me. You are filled with my Spirit
and you have no idea what I am going to do through you. I have
ordained you as one of my children and through you my Kingdom is
going to be brought to this earth. You are going to use your
brokenness and your past to bring healing to those who have lost all
hope. I am going to send you into the darkest places of this world to
be a beacon of hope. You are going to make MY name known.Do not doubt
your calling. Do not doubt your identity. Do not fear the unknown.
You have a story of redemption. Stop focusing on the mistakes but
look at what has come through it. The story of the cross doesn't end
at my Son's suffering. It doesn't even end in the tomb when his
suffering ended. It ends in his resurrection and continues through
the lives redeemed from it. You're story is the same my love. Your
story doesn't end in the mistakes you have and it doesn't even end in
the freedom that you have received. Your story continues with the
hope that you are going to bring because of it. I use the rescued to
rescue. Trust in me. Do not fear. Be bold. I love you.
That
conversation radically transformed my spirit. I went from being
filled with fear to filled with an unexplainable peace. AHHH!!!!! I
cannot even explain in words how my spirit feels :) :) :) :) :) :) My
eyes have once again been opened to His majesty! I know without a
doubt that I am called to this race and to bring His Kingdom. Not
only do I know that I have been called but I am SO on fire for this
journey. He has reignited the flame inside of me. I have NO idea what
is in store for my future but I what I do know is that I am seriously
in love with Jesus. Like....SERIOUSLY in love and I want everyone
else to be in love with him too! Christ pulled me out of the ashes,
out of a pit of depression (like serious depression) and set me free!
How freaking amazing is that?! How could I not want to give my life
to him??
These
past few days have been incredible for me spiritually. I have had to
deal with a lot of things that had infected my heart but I AM BACK!
Bring on the battle satan because I am ready to fight! I have been
restored like never before. Joyful. That is what I am. I reached out
to God and He answered. I was in desperate need of community and I
have received more encouragement in these past few days then I can
believe. My new squad is seriously the bomb and I cannot wait to get
to know them more. He took my brokenness and make it into
awesomenness :) Dang, I just love Jesus.
My Love,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I
love your never ending grace. I love the mercy you have for me. I
love that you take my brokenness and make it beautiful. I love your
ability to purify my soul. I love your heart. I love that you never
change. I love your strength. I love your sacrificial love. I love
your wisdom. I love your power. I love your humility. I love your
desire to serve. I love that you are perfect. I love that you are
always here with me. I love that you are relational and not distant.
I love that despite my stupidity and craziness you still love me with
all your heart. I love that you are jealous for me. I love your
protection as a lover and a father. I love your desire for me to stay
pure. I love your FEIRCENESS. I love your justice. I love your
confidence. I love that you are meticulous. I love that your plan can
never be thwarted. I love your majesty. I love the ability to sit in
your presence. I just LOVE you! Thank you for my freedom! Thank you
for never leaving me! Thank you for the amazing opportunity to spread
your Glory! Thank your my loving family! Thank you for the most
amazing friends I could ever ask for! Thank you for the opportunity
to go to school! Thank you for the ability to worship you every
Sunday morning! Thank you for the job I have! Thank you for my
health! Thank you for my new squad! And most of all, THANK YOU FOR
SENDING YOUR SON TO DIE ON A CROSS AND THEN RAISING HIM FROM THE DEAD
SO THAT I COULD BE FREE!! I will walk in your freedom! I will be
bold! I will proclaim your name! I will be a beacon of hope! I will
not waste my life! My heart goes out to you!
With all my love,
Brittany
“In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the depths, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me. I said, ‘I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.' The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you, LORD my God, brought my life up from the pit.
“When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.
“Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the LORD.'”
Why am I leaving in September to go on the World Race? I could sit here and say it was because God broke my heart for the people of Australia or the people of Vietnam and so out of obedience, I decided to change routes. I could say because it was out of my selflessness and not selfishness that I came to this decision. I could lie to you say it was a choice I was excited to make instead of saying that because of my stupidity, I was forced to make the decision. But I won't. So here is the honest truth.......
One of the first thing that AIM told me when I got accepted to the race was their policy on dating. Basically, they say that by going on the race you are signing up for 1.5 years of staying single. More specifically though, they make it clear that you are not allowed to get involved with a fellow racer prior to or during the World Race. Of course I told them that I could easily follow this rule but I still wondered why they seemed to stress it. I now know why. I am not going to go into all the details about what happened but long story short, I broke the rule. I got involed. I screwed up. It got complicated and now here I am leaving two months later missing out on the route that my heart was set on. If there is one thing I have learned through the past few weeks of my life, it is that no matter how I much I screw up, I can never mess up God's plan for me. At no point will God ever look down at me and say "Well dang it. That was just too big of a mistake for me to handle. You have now screwed up my entire plan! Now what am I supposed to do?!?!" That would be rediculous if that were possible. God is the creator of all things and in control of all things. I am SO thankful for that. So yes, I made a mistake. I tried to make my timing God's timing but out of that he still wants to use me. He still wants to send me. Although I am sad I had to leave a squad that I had already fallen in love with, I am excited for what God has in store for on this new journey. I have no doubt that He is still going to blow my mind and I cannot wait! :) Moral of the story: My sin can NEVER deter God from receiving the glody that He deserves. Below are the countries I will now be going to!!
September 2012-July 2013
Australia
Malaysia
Vietnam/Laos
Cambodia
India
Nepal
Tanzania
Rwanda
Kenya
Ukraine
Romania
ps. I heard this song recently by All Sons and Daughters and I think it sums up my thoughts pretty well.
‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
Dear Satan,
That was a really valient effort but you really need to come up with some new material. Reminding me of my past to try and tear me down again? Really?? This is getting really old and at this point its just sad. Don't you know that I have been set free from that? Don't you remember that day while I was in Africa when God broke the chains and won that battle? I know you were there. Don't say you weren't. You were the voice in the back of my head telling me to not to step forward and continuing to speak lies into me about howI'm not worth anything. You were the one tugging on the chains trying to hold me back and pull me deeper and deeper into the pit of dispair and confusion. But youLOST. Do you get that? I already have VICTORY over my past. I really don't understand why you continue to fight that battle. You think you can outwit me. Ha. You think that if you bring it up enough that I'm going to give in and forget that I already have victory. You may be smarter than me but you are not smarter than my God!! I really think you believe that you are just fighting me but you're not! You are up against my Father and let me tell you what.....my Father is VERY protective of me and when someone tries to hurt me, He will destroy them. He is always with me, fighting for me. He told me that day in Africa that he would NEVER let me go back to the person I used to be and He is so faithful to make sure that doesn't happen. Sure, I may falter and stumble but He will NEVER let me stay there. I am a new creation and I have been SET FREE! Those lies that you say about me not worth being fought for...yeah they are all crap. Also, nice job trying to get me to fall back into the sin that I have been set free from. Did you really think that by putting that temptation back in my life that I would fall for it? I will never give into you. I am so rooted in Christ that NOTHING can make me doubt my God. I mean NOTHING. Not even death. Take my life. I don't care.To live is Christ and to die is gain! Bring it satan. You WILL lose. No doubt about it. In case you don't believe me, I will leave you with this. "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
